Order Made
by Miira
Summary: Shizuo forget something from his past, but why can't he remember them? Inspired by the song Order Made by Radwimps. PS: Not a song fic.


I was inspired of making a shizaya fic from this song: watch?v=LiUHTg84D1Q

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara!

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><p>I remembered, but I wanted to forget.<p>

What was that feeling, I wonder?

That moment when a bright light flashing through my caramel eyes before my body gave away, and I fell to the cold hard ground with a thud. I can feel the blood seeping out of my body slowly, and the sound of someone screaming hysterically echoed through my eardrums. Although before I could make out what I've seen out of my hazy eyes, my consciousness drifted away completely.

"Nnghh..." I groaned as I woke up, letting my body to sit up. I rubbed my eyes, until I instantenously widened them when all I saw was a big space full of white. "Wha... what is this place...?" Everywhere I looked, white, white, white and white. Nothing was present, no living creatures, no Mother Nature, no sound except for my constant breathing, none whatsoever.

"Hello there." A voiced suddenly came up from my side, jolting me immensely. I looked at the direction of the voice, there stood a raven haired male, clad in dark clothings evenly coloured with his hair. Only, the fur-trimmed fluff at the tip of his coat was in a different colour. It was scarlet, striking red, and so were his irises.

"Huh? Izaya...?" I questioned out of reflex, but soon narrowed my eyes as I found the person to be quite different. "...who are you?"

"I am Roppi, Hachimenroppi."

"Roppi…?" I answered hesitantly, before flinging my head around. "...say, where am I? Why… are you the only thing here?"

"That's because you made it out to be." He replied, while I stared at him in utter confusion. The person then simply chuckled, crouching down to face me. He smiled. "This is actually your subconsciousness, Heiwajima Shizuo. Think of it as your dream."

"I still.. don't get it..."

"Right now your mind is blank, that's why all you can see is white." He raised his arms, hovering them around. "And for why I exist... you are probably thinking of someone that is similiar to me in a way."

Someone, he said? I wonder who. "...Then tell me, how to leave this place?"

"Simple. Just decide where to go." The male stood up, raising both of his arms. "Between the past and the future, which would you rather choose?"

"I guess... past...?" I didn't know why I chose that. It was the first option that came into my mind.

"Okay then."

As soon as he said that, the scenery changed. The white filled spaces in the air vanished, turning the place into the shape of the world. Or to be precise, it was at Raijin high school feild.

"Eh, what are we..." I stared at my surroundings, until my eyes were set on the two figure standing, while another one sat on a desk. I gape. "What? Isn't that Shinra, Izaya and..."

"You." He confirmed while looking at the three people. I stared at him in bewilderment, gesturing my confusion at the situation. "Remember what I told you? This is your subconscious. Right now, this is what you wish to see. And don't worry, they can't see us."

I looked back at them. It was true, none of them noticed us despite our short distances. But I was baffled, why here though? Why did I choose this scene above all of my past?

_"I don't like you."_

_"Oh? Don't be like that, Shizu-chan."_

Right. That was the moment when he first called me that annoying nickname. It has been stuck for a long time that now I almost didn't mind him calling me that, almost.

"I wonder, what's the significant of this event?" He smiled.

_"See? Isn't this fun?"_

He struck me with his flickblade, causing my shirt to be torn. Although I was mad, he did nothing but smirked widely. It was the first time someone made an impression on me so much, that I couldn't forget his face. "Ah!" And then it hit me, I quickly gazed at the male beside me. "...that was the first time I've met with Izaya..."

"Yes. Orihara Izaya, your sworn enemy and shockingly, your potential lover."

My body shook at his sudden reply. "What the hell are you talking about…" I averted my eyes away. ".. and why are you showing me this?" I asked awkwardly.

"I'm not the one who are doing this. It's your dream, you control it. This shows that you are subconsciously thinking of him, Shizuo." The lithe male stared at me with an unreadable expression. "Why is that?".

"I don't- Argh!" My heart throbbed for a short while until it stopped completely. I stared to the ground. "Wha-what was that...?"

As I said that, I felt a tap to my shoulder. "Look, the scenery changed again." The male said to me.

I looked up, and he was right. I didn't saw the feild anymore. Instead, we were standing at the rooftop of the school. Another two figure stood there too, closely towards one another.

"That's me and Izaya...?" I questioned as I looked around at them. Izaya again. Why him again?

_"Damn it, Shizu-chan. Let me go...!"_

_"Tch. Shut up, shut up!"_

"Did you know? Why we were given one mouth instead of two?" The male suddenly started, without looking at me. "So that we wouldn't fight with ourselves and..." he pointed at the direction of the two. "...To kiss the ones we cherish."

My eyes widened as I stared at my past self and Izaya suddenly locking lips.

"I don't understand." The male beside me spoke, "If you really hated him, then why the kiss?"

As I recomposed myself, I reminiscenced about my past. It was on graduation day at Raijin, where I've cornered the male after the chaos we had created. At that time, I felt so annoyed with myself for some reason and looking at the raven made me pissed off even more. Although thinking back now, it was probably because I didn't want to part with him after school was over.

"The spur of the moment, I guess...?" I let out a sigh, avoiding his question. "We did it, and actually didn't want to stop. Weird right?"

He gave me a blank stare. "Is it as weird as you say? Isn't there a better reason as to why you two kissed?"

"Huh? What do you mean?" I tightened my hand to my chest, the frantic thump beating painfully through my heart reappeared again. What was that feeling?

For a mere second, a displease look was expressed on his face but soon dissappeared. He pointed at a direction. "This is what I mean."

The scene changed again. This time, it was in an apartment, in Shinjuku. Izaya's place, as I've been there plenty of times in the past.

_"Ahh~ Shizu-chan...!"_

_"I... Izaya... love you... I love you...!"_

"Wha-what!?" I brought my hand to my mouth as I blushed. I quickly grabbed the person by the collar out of embarrassment. "W-why are you showing me this, you bastard!"

"The heart is the most important as it is the most honest of all body parts." He seemed unfazed by my forcefulness. The male then touched my chest, "Do you know why there is no beating at our right side?"

I merely furrowed my eyebrows, staring at him as he questioned his riddle before gently letting him go. He looked back at the two as they embraced each other.

"When you hold someone dear close to you, you can feel their heart beating frantically against your body." He said as his eyes slowly soften. "Do you get it? That person completes the empty half of your chest, because you felt for him."

"So you mean, the reason I kissed him during graduation was because I've love him since?"

The male just chuckled at my respond. "I don't know. What do you think?"

I stared again at myself and Izaya. That was one of the many times that we had sex, but it was the first time I've ever confessed like that to him. The words just came out suddenly and it surprised both me and Izaya. After that, he cried, hugging me closer towards him than ever.

"Nnghh...!" I groaned slightly when my heart pricked again, falling the the ground. What was it? I know I've felt this feeling before, but where? Why can't I remember it?

"What's wrong?" The person asked as he crouched, gazing blankly at my painful self. "The body, mouth, and heart. All of which you have experienced for that person. But there is just one thing that you have forgotten. The one that you simply wanted to forget."

"Tsk. What... are you talking about...?" As my heart pricked, the beating got fasting and harder. "What have I forgot...?"

For a moment, there was a silence from the raven. That was when he stood up, and said, "Tears" he looked down, "The one where you find pain, the one where you have forgotten. The memory that you have discarded."

_"Izaya!"_

"What?" My eyes gape.

_"No, please! Don't go...! I... I need you... please...!"_

"Nnghh! Ahhh!" As my heart throbbed, I started to feel the pain in my head. It was painful, so very painful that I jammed my head countless of time to the ground. "What is this!? Make it stop! Make it stop!"

"If you want the pain to stop, then look up. Although the moment you do that, the tears will flow right back to your eyes, and your lost memory will be revealed."

I yelled. "Lost memory? What the hell are you talking about!? I remembered that I got hit by a truck, and I was hospitalized for two weeks but-"

"Were you?" The male asked as a matter-of-factly.

My body immediately jolted. "Huh? Wha... what kind of question is that...-" I raised up my head, my eyes widened.

_"Izaya...? Hey, Izaya! Hey!"_

_"Ma-mairu, call the doctor now!"_

"Eh...? Wh-what is this...?" I stuttered as I gaze at the scene before me.

_"Tsk. You flea! Don't you dare die on me! I won't let you!"_

I quickly got up and harshly shook the male's shoulder. "Wha-what's happening here? Hey, Roppi! Why is Izaya...!"

"This is your past that you're seeing, the one that you have experienced, Shizuo. Your reality."

"Bullshit! I-it can't be! I was the one that got hit! So why-!" My eyes widened again as the scene changed into a street. I fixed my gaze at the two figure running through the busy road. "Huh...?"

_"Hahaha, Shizu-chan can't catch me~"_

_"Hey, wait! L-look out Izaya!"_

"This is..." I breathed in and out frantically, witnessing Izaya and the past me lying on the ground. All I saw was blood, and despair. "No...no, no, no, no...!" I clutched my blond locks, shooking my head. "It can't be... It can't be..!"

"Have all the pieces come together now?" The male spoke in a blank tone. "You suddenly jumped towards him to protect him, although the impact was too huge that it sent the both of you flying."

I remembered now. I was chasing after Izaya like usual. As we got out of the alley, I was too focused on capturing him that I didn't even realised the traffic light was green, and a truck was coming towards us. By the time I noticed the vehicle, it was already too late.

"Even though you were badly injured, you were fine the next couple of days. However, as for Izaya... he-"

"ENOUGH! STOP TALKING...!" I glared at him at the mention of the raven's name. I was still on the ground, shivering myself in a cold sweat. "If you keep running your mouth like that, I swear I'm gonna kill you..."

He closed his eyes for a moment, before continuing, "He was hospitalised for two weeks. For two weeks, you were evidently helpless. Your only hope was the IV that was keeping him alive and the constant breathing, up and down his chest." He stared at me. "And yet, despair comes when-"

"You little shit! I told you to stop talking, didn't I!?" I forcefully yanked his collar, containing my anger.

He still stared at me, narrowing his eyes. "...the next morning you came, he was no longer breathing."

"_I'm… terribly sorry… We've tried everything we could."_

"No! No, no, no, no, stop… NO!" I screamed as the scene changed. "Don't show this to me! Please…!" It was the moment when the doctor announced Izaya's condition.

"_Unfortunately… Orihara-san's already…-"_

Before the doctor could finish talking, I ran towards him. "STOP IT! FUCKING STOP TALKING!", I tried to punch him, yet my fist slided through him and all I felt was air. Multiple times I tried to took a swing at the figure but to no vain. In fact, as I stopped, I stared at my past self.

I was standing there, listening to what the doctor had said. Although I could see that whatever I was feeling at the time, it was empty. No tears, no words spoken, nothing. Just a blank stare into the hollow distance. My heart was shattered.

"It's funny, isn't it?" a sudden reply from the raven haired male shook me, I stared at him in tearful eyes. "You can cry and rage here, but you are the one who blocked your memory of his accident from your mind. How hysterical."

"Bastard, what are you implying?" I furrowed my eyebrows.

He did the same in return, "You are very selfish, Heiwajima Shizuo." For the first time, his tone of voice changed into a menacing one.

The moment he said that, I walked towards him and quickly yanked his shirt. "What the hell did you just say?" I expressed my anger at his accusation. "You don't know what I went through after that incident, how important he was to me! So don't talk shit like you know me!"

He stared at me for a short while before hovering his head downwards. He spoke nothing.

"Hey, are you listening to me?!" I shook him for a response. And then, a quiet snicker was heard.

"Heh. What you went through, huh?" The male spoke as though it was amusing to him. "Bullshit." He pushed away my hand harshly and suddenly punched me squarely to the face.

The impact was enough to make me fall to the ground. I was evidently shocked. "Wh-what the hell-!"

"SHUT UP! How can you say such a cruel thing…!" He came straddling me, hitting my chest violently. His voice screamed of anger and tears started to weld up eyes. "IF HE WAS IMPORTANT TO YOU…! THEN WHY!"

"Tch. St-stop hitting me!" I grabbed both of his hands, rendering him from his actions. "What are you trying to say?!"

"Why… did you forget about him….? How can it be so easy to forget about him…" The male bit his lips, expressing sadness in his orbs. "For many, many years, why…" he trailed off, standing up to face me. "…why do you never visited him…?"

I was speechless. My movements have stopped after he said that. I just laid there, looking up at the white space of nothingness. All because, I didn't know what he was talking about.

I kept thinking and thinking the meaning of his words until the white space changed into my apartment, now I was staring at the ceiling.

I looked to my right, and I saw past self lying on the floor in the same posture as I was. "Ah.." I gasped, my mind trailed off elsewhere as the most important thing came tumbling back to me.

"Yes." I spoke, feeling my eyes watery from the realisation. "I remember now."

There I was, a day after Izaya's death, staring blankly at the ceiling. I thought, _why am I the only one survived? Why did he have to die? Why did he leave me?_

_Why isn't he here pestering me?_

_Where is he today? _

_Where is he yesterday?_

_Where is he now?_

_Where is he?_

_Ah, that's right. He's in Shinjuku._

_He'll be back._

_He'll be there._

_He'll come._

_He always comes to me._

_Always._

And then, my mind clicked. As though I altered my memory to discard his death. The feeling that I wanted to forget, the feeling that was very familiar.

It was my memories. I locked my memories away. I locked Izaya away from me.

"Roppi." I said while sitting up, without looking at him. "I'm… sorry. I'm so very sorry….!"

"Shizuo..?"

"I… I didn't want to accept his death. I didn't want him… to leave me..!" I cupped my hands to my eyes as regrets burdened my mind. "I thought… if he were to leave me, then I'll leave him first to prevent myself from being hurt… but.."

The male carefully listened to my confession as he crouched down, "..but…?"

"You're right." my voice became hoarse from sobbing. "…I was cruel to forget about him… I'm sorry, Roppi. I'm sorry… Izaya…! I will never forget about him again, I promise you, never…"

"…I waited so long for you to say that." I thought I would get hit again by the male, instead I received a hug. "Thank you." I can feel him smiling at my reply. "Thank you so much for saying that..!"

This hug, it was so familiar that I responded by holding him tightly in my arms. Suddenly, I felt his warmth was fading the more closer I got to him. "Roppi.. Wh-why are you disappearing..?!" I looked down, only to find his lower half fading away little by little.

"Heh, this means that I'm gonna disappear, of course." He stated as though it was a normal occurance to him, "…and you're gonna wake up soon."

"Don't 'heh' me! What do you mean by that?!" I panicked witnessing the situation before me. "H-hey! Do something! Don't disappear damn it!"

He smiled in return, "Thank you for your affection these past few years, okay?" The male hugged me again, not acknowledging that he was receding into thin air.

"What the hell are you on about?! Look! Your body's all go-" Before I could continue talking, the brunet took this opportunity to kiss me on the lips. It was a soft, short kiss that lasted only a few seconds. I gasped, "Wha…!"

"I love you." He proclaimed, as the final tear fell down his cheek. "Goodbye, Shizu-chan." That was his last words before he completely vanished from my sight.

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><p>"Hey, what's up? Sorry I didn't bring any flowers because I know you don't like that romance shit." I spoke in a normal tone, standing in front of the tombstone up the hill.<p>

"I'm also sorry. That in these 5 years, not once have I ever visited you." I huffed, calming myself down to speak. "…But you know, I had a dream two days ago." I smiled at the thought of the dream. "There's this one asshole that showed me how stupid I was for being a pathetic person, not being able to accept the truth."

I stared intently at the name engraved on the stone.

"That asshole was you, wasn't it, Izaya?"

Just as I said that, a gush of wind softly blew at the hill, I closed my eyes to take in the fresh air. Soon after, I felt a gentle push behind my back. I gasped and quickly turned around to see no one was there.

I blinked a few times before glancing back at the tombstone, chuckling. "Heh, you flea."

I sat down in front of the grave, touching it as I remembered our precious memories together.

"I love you too, Izaya."

_Always._


End file.
